To the Bestfriend Who Will Never Be My Lover

We were an -almost-

You are leaving for Alaska next week and will be staying there for good. Bidding goodbye, we slightly hugged for the first and probably the last time. That night, all the fun faded, bright lights went out, and the probability of having ‘you and I’ gone — forever.

We were seatmates during our four years of highschool (as if we had a choice) and we withstood each other’s craziness. Or rather, I withstood your crazy little deeds like poking me, teasing me, and making a fool out of yourself just to annoy me. Did you really think I was annoyed? To me, it was more like your way of making me laugh. Your jokes were the corniest and cheesiest but your delivery was the best. I couldn’t find someone with such bluff in telling jokes and punchlines.

Until the end of highschool, we somehow clicked and started liking each other. We still didn’t date because we were in the middle of our highschool graduation preparation. Nevertheless, we acted like Barbie and Ken, Brad and Jen. Who would have thought what happened next? Well, we had the same fate as them; we didn’t last. We were an ‘almost’, almost there but never got there. If it wasn’t for me, maybe we’d have more treasured memories, more precious moments. Reason? Because I believed it wasn’t the right time… But I guess I should’ve put more faith in us.

College came and you never showed up to any reunion and meetups we had. You didn’t bother attending any of our debut celebrations or even a short night out. I was feeling guilty about what had happened but I learned you got yourself a girlfriend right after highschool. I guess I was all part of the past now. 3 years later, you informed us of your migration to the other side of the world, more than 3 continents away from the Philippines.

Later that night after your despedida party, we had a talk. Everything that happened led to this one final conversation with you. It was the most intense exchange of questions we ever had. No, we weren’t mad, just curious and inquisitive. I felt your sense of regret with how you blamed me for not trying. I didn’t know it was still in you. I almost thought you forgot about me. But what struck me most was when you said, “Akala ko dalawa tayo noon, pero nagdesisyon ka mag-isa”. Maybe I did. And you know, maybe it was for the best.

Looking at you now, you’ve probably gotten over it years ago. You’ve had a couple of dating rumors, and even now, you’re in for a long distance relationship. The only thing I ever wanted for you is to have a happy, bountiful life. Even if we didn’t end up being together, I’m always grateful and blessed to have been your bestfriend. There will be times that I will be in solitude and longingness for you, but know that this is just part of the process — the process of accepting that you will never be my lover.

You are leaving for Alaska next week and will be staying there for good. Bidding goodbye, we slightly hugged for the first and probably the last time. That night, all the fun faded, bright lights went out, and the probability of having ‘you and I’ gone — forever.

All smiles,

*Image from canva.com

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